TIMING VS LOVE . Which is on your side ?

I despise our timing. I regret how our timing never aligns. I regret how we never overlap.

💔

Why can’t we just make it right? Why can’t we just adjust our clocks so we can be on the same time?

I feel like our timing is off but we also keep finding each other over and over again. We keep slipping back into each other’s lives like there’s still something more, like maybe the timing was wrong but now it’s right. Maybe we’ve changed enough to stand against timing so it doesn’t stand in our way again.

Sometimes I think that it’s really not about timing but maybe we just need more time.…together.

More time to understand the differences, more time to talk about what went wrong, more time to get to know all the details that we were so afraid to share. Maybe now I’ll be braver because I want you to stay and maybe now you’ll be more open to staying because you’re tired of leaving.

Maybe this time, timing will be on our side. Maybe this is it.

And if it’s not meant to be, then at least we’ll know for sure. At least we can say we didn’t let timing stop us again, we didn’t make excuses, we found reasons.

I’m tired of our timing. I’m tired of hearing that we’re not meant to be.

Because I can’t help but wonder if timing was on our side all this time but we were just too blind to see it, too young to understand it and too dumb to realize that we can do something about it.

What if timing was always on our side and that’s why it keeps coming back and reminding us that our story is not over yet.

Maybe all our story needs is more time and less timing. More actions and fewer words. More reasons and no more excuses. 

Sometimes I wish I could be more than selfish

I’m only 23. But for me, this has been the year of a loss of many friendships I held dearly for so long in my heart. I never thought it would happen. I never meant for it to happen. But in your 20’s shitty stuff happens. People grow apart. People change in a way that makes you uncomfortable. People grow distant. and its’ not anyone’s fault. It’s just what it is. It just happens.

Maybe some of them will see this and read this and roll their eyes. Maybe I’m the one to blame. Maybe I’m the one who was too selfish.

I’m not saying it’s a good thing to hurt people. I’m not saying you should insult and curse at every person who wronged you in the past. Don’t maliciously betray a friend or a significant other just to get revenge. Don’t go and scream at your ex for breaking up with you.

This is what I’m saying. I’m saying that you need to be selfish. Selfish in the people that you surround yourself with. Selfish in who you choose to spend time with. Selfish in regards to who you let your guard down for. Selfish in who you want to sleep with, eat with, converse with and sit with.

I’ve wasted too much time on giving my heart to people who didn’t even want it. I’ve wasted too much time on trying nourishing relationships and friendships that were already died. I’ve wasted too much of my time on toxic people.

And I don’t need that in my life.

It’s taken 23 years for me to learn that my life is mine. It’s not his or hers or theirs. It’s mine. It’s mine to make my own mistakes and to learn from them. It’s my own life to grow and change and fuck up and grow some more.

I’m not perfect. No one is. We all struggle. We all go through hell. We all climb through mountains in snowstorms. I have no hate for any of the friendships and relationships I have lost. I hold no resentment for them in my heart. In fact, all I have is love for them. An overflowing amount of love for them.

But just because I can’t be in their lives anymore, doesn’t mean that they don’t matter. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy or beautiful or fun or smart. This isn’t even about their character or my love for them.

This is about me taking control of my life. And taking control of my own heart which I have neglected for so long.

And maybe it’s harsh. I hate hurting people even when I don’t mean to. I hate cutting people out of my life. I hate losing these friends and these people who I so deeply love.

But I need to let them go. I need to let all that negativity go. And so do you. And after you do, please forgive yourself. You will never please everybody in this world. Not everyone in this world will love you. But at least you can love yourself.

At least you can say, that you did this for you. And don’t forget, you will always have you

Depression makes me unable to fall in love like a normal person

I’m scared my mental illness makes me unlovable.

It’s a statement I hate writing and a sentence I hate thinking about. But it’s how I feel. And as my depression and anxiety become more chronic, my thoughts about falling in love become more negative and my belief of the chances of it happening for me start to grow slim. While I know this is a small part of me, I can’t help but feel as though there is a giant neon sign following me, warning people away.

The truth is, when I tell the people I’m dating it usually starts out OK. They seem to understand and accept this is a part of me, but it isn’t all me.

I’ve had exes tell me they can’t make me feel better because I’m letting these “issues” consume me. I’ve had exes tell me they don’t feel as though they can tell me the truth about things because they’re worried it’ll send me into a tailspin. I’ve had exes try to tell me how to manage my illnesses even though they’ve never experienced it themselves.

I don’t need someone to tell me what to do or how to do it when it comes to depression or anxiety. All I want, all I truly want, is someone just to love me through it. That’s the part that is sometimes lost on potential partners. I don’t need someone to fix me. I go to therapy. I take my medication. I work hard each and every day to ensure I am doing all I can to prevent the bad days from occurring more often than not.

What I do need is for someone to just be there when things get hard. When those bad days come on and I can’t think of a reason why I should get out of bed, I want someone to be there to just tell me I can do it. I want someone to hold me when, in the middle of the night, I can’t breathe because my anxiety is out of control. I want to be able to tell someone my deepest darkest secrets when it comes to my illness and not have them look at me like I have three heads.

I know it’s not easy to ask someone to be a part of my life when most of the time my moods are a little unpredictable. I know it’s not fair that I’m going to let someone down because I just can’t help myself from wanting to hide from the world on really bad days. I feel it’s not reasonable that sometimes my problems become their problems because I just need someone to shoulder a bit of the weight that comes with depression and anxiety.

I know all of these things but it doesn’t mean I’m unlovable or incapable of giving love. Because I so am. I know I am.

I will love the shit out of people despite the fact it’s sometimes hard to love myself. I am able to listen and accept criticism when things just aren’t working for my partner. I am able to just be there for someone when they’re having a really, really bad day. And I’m able to empathize, not sympathize or compare, when talking to someone about their problems.

So, I’ve been with people who don’t get me or my mental health. I’ve been with people who have told me that my mental illness makes it so it’s difficult to love me. I’ve also been the person pushing people away in order to protect myself from them potentially leaving me when it gets a little too hard to deal with.

But no one is perfect, and I am no exception.