Tuesday, December 25, 2012

My Little Feeling

A new semester begins....

For this 2 weeks I am here , you said I thrown a lot of tantrum, willful ,pushing you away and being bossy .You said my attitude worsen and you got very annoyed by me and my attitude. I know these recently I keep feel upset and got my mood low for no reason but I shown it directly on my face instead of hiding it not letting you know and acting I'm perfectly fine like usual. I'm truly sorry for my attitude but I really wonder why , maybe I expecting too much attention which I try to get when I'm far away from you last time. I swear don't meant it to act that way .
You know you acted so differently sometimes as if I've lost you in those days or hours.
I realize you have been a grown up man with matured thinking .For me, I'm a grown up girl but still have that childish thinking . Sometimes, I start to doubt myself whether I really understand you. My worries crept up on me and I fought to push those thoughts away. I want to believe that you are still the man I feel in love with and had held on for so long for that. Do I still have your heart with me??                                              Now Playing   : A Little Piece of Heaven :

I remember you say ,you'll be staying by my side no matter what and we keep holding hands till the end. Right? I know I girl you wish for and want to be with but please I'm willing to try being one . I'm not afraid to try.
I'm sorry for disappointing you with everything of mine now..SORRY

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

LDR ?!

Distance is so hard, and I hate trying to explain that to people, because they just don’t get it. I  wonder what so hard for them to try understand the sweetness of being in LDR sometimes . They say that we will never work out because of the distance. They say that the person I’m with will get bored of me and move on and that long distance never works, it only works in movies. Well. I’m going to make my dream come true by making my boyfriend and I work. I will make sure that nothing breaks us up. Thats my goal and hope. They don’t get how you can love someone regardless on where they are and be willing to wait for them. Many of you think i’m crazy, and i guess i am. Love makes you do crazy things. At least I’ll be happy at the end.

I just want my friends to back me up on the things I believe in. I just wish people would stop getting my hopes down. :/ 

Only the LDR couples understand though . What a pity.
* fireworks* "boom baamm boom" "sparkles" WOW BEAUTIFULL !!!!

The late night skies are beautiful with those colourful fireworks and the atmosphere so nice. Watching the fireworks and listening to the popping sound , le me wondering how is it in Ipoh ?? Is it the same as here in Johor ,my place .
Kinda want to watch these firework with him now , Mr Jeff Jr . U know I missed you much ....huhu sobs sobs. Hoping one day ,we can watch the firework together at night under the beautiful night sky .
Anyway , Happy Diwali to our beloved Indians fellow friends on their enjoyable day !!!

Goodnyte ,peeps.Sweet Dreams

Monday, November 12, 2012


Just as wad people used to say " First love are easy to love ,but hard to forget ". This directly linked to my situation even it's already 1 year and half plus me and him seperated and I stepped into a new relationship with my current boyfriend. 1 year wasn't long and wasn't short . A lot of thing change and scars heal but memory just stubbornly won't fade. Each picture are still clear in mind and those are the "memory".
IT"S JUST HARD TO FORGET . For those time ,there are still chances I took a peek to check out his condition. A day before my 1 year and 5 month with my recent boyfriend ,I found those love letter that the "ex" wrote to me and re-read it . Amazing that the feeling of sweetness : GONE . Just the feeling of appreciation arrive into my heart. He did love me much but we both just not fated to be. Wad still make my heart gettign doubt was a sentence like this

"U know wad you're talking about ??? There's no one except you. No girl can replace you . "- he wrote.
"Whenever she was around even when we are seperated ,she will always be in my heart and my mind" -he said to one of my friend

I burnt all the letter just after I read it ...saying goodbye to this lovely man

Well , recently heard that he found a good girlfriend that who once was his god-sister.. I know maybe I din't get his blessing when I start with my recent boyfriend but I still hope the best for him ( the  "ex" ) . May God bless him and her. Amen . I saw your tweet , that right boy . "Past is past"  ^-^  Hope your future are brighter with the presence of her . Congratulation to the new husband and wife , MR.A and MS.E
Boy , remember to treat her well . Go on with your life .


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Relationship Chemical Reaction

Love is a threshold; It just keeps going up and up until it can't go any higher.
-John Mayer

I was once in love, but that's now just a faint memory.

I think I found out how relationships work. These thoughts are just compiled from experience and from wisdom from others.It may not apply to all or maybe just altered to other peoples situations but this how most people's relationships start and work out. :]

When you first meet sombody, you either like them straight away OR they like you OR you both secretly like each other right from the very start. You soon find out from a friend of a friend of a friend that he/she likes you too and it kills you, paralyzes you, floors you, sends you crashing down like an airplane. You fall so hard you gotta pick yourself off the ground when you find out. So you gather yourself and find a way to contact them by getting their number or asking for their email and call them, text them, email them or chat with them saying, "...yeah, that was a great conversation. Can I see you some time?" and they answer with, "I'd like that. :]"

"I'd like that." The feeling you get from hearing her/him say that is amazing it drops you back down to the ground like someone shot you. Your heart's about to stop out of joy because of "I'd like that." Nothing feels better than hearing them say "I'd like that." So now your blood pressures going up, you're six feet off the ground, you can't sleep because of "I'd like that."

So now you've hanging out for a while, and you call him/her again late at night like every other night and you feel like you've just droped the bomb and say "You know what, I've been thinking about you a lot..." and she gasps for air and you're like, "What's wrong?" and he/she replies with, "I'm sorry, it's just that I've been thinking about you a lot too."

The moment you hear him/her say, "...it's just that I've been thinking about you a lot too." BOOM! You fly higher into the sky. So high you feel like you've never felt this good before. So now "I'd like that."; done. You're now at "I've been thinking about you too.".

Now after a few weeks or months of being together, how ever long it takes for you to get comfortable with him/her, you gain the courage and sum it all up to tell them, "I gotta tell you something..." and they say "What?" and you say "I'm in love with you."

...and nothing in the world sounds better than "I'm in love with you." :]

From that, maybe she's crying out of joy or is supprised and you say in your head "I'm in. :))" It's rare that when you reach this point you still get friendzoned so it's not something to worry about. :D So now we just past "I'd like that." and "I've been thinking about you.". Now we're at "I'm in love with you." and there's no holding back anymore because you both have the same feeling and he/she fires back with "Well, I'm in love with you too :3".
Soon some day follows "I love you." answered back with "I love you too."

Fast forward, now you're like "I love you more than anything in life." cause "I love you." doesn't work anymore cause it's a threshold, it keeps moving up. Fast forward maybe six months, six weeks, whatever the case may be. Now you're like "I wanna marry you.", "I wanna impregnate you with my love.", "I just wanna F-...", "I wanna just send my love to you.", "I wanna make cute babies with you and be the father of your children.".

"Damn it, words don't work anymore."

...and at some point you reach this point and you know you've used this line in whatever language you use saying, "I just wish they'd put a new word in the dictionary bigger than love cause love just doesn't describe what I feel..."


...and so then now they come right back at you asking you, "Well do YOU love me?" and you'd answer straight away without a doubt "Of course I do!""Well say it."

Then it becomes...

"Say it twice."

"Say it three times."

...and then you cross a real interesting point over time where all of a sudden she starts to say "I hate you." and you think to yourself "Oh my God, she hates me. :\" which then evolves to...

"I hate you more than anything."

"We're over!"

"No, we're not!"

Then they go "Yes, we are. :("

Now all the words you've said and things have done mean nothing at all anymore. You're left with nothing. You're throwing punchs at water. You're wishing for things to work out out of all the efforts you make after everything has done and the fire has disappeared. You're done. It's over. That's the end.

You wanna know what the moral of the lesson is?

Never, ever, ever underestimate the power of "I'd like that."

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Hey, boy....♥

I honestly don’t know how you’ve put up with me for so long. You haven’t given up on me and my issues. 
You’re the only person who has stayed long enough to know that it’s impossible for me to be happy with myself and everything else that’s going on. I have no clue how you can cope with my constant mood swings, anxiety attacks, negative thoughts, cutting, refusing to eat, late night texts after a night terror… 
I really just don’t know how you do it.
But what makes me wonder the most is why.
Why do you stick with me through this hell?
Why did you choose me, over every other girl who is absolutely perfect?

I’m a mess, you know that. 
I have so many imperfections, and yet, you seem to look past them all and see a beautiful girl with lots on her mind and worries that need to be sorted out. You try so hard to make me feel better everyday… you try so hard. 
I feel bad when I just can’t seem to accept your compliments, or take your advice. I’m sorry.
You know I would never let you go for the world, right?
You know I want you to be happy too, right?

So, answer me this: How can you be happy with somebody as problematic and me? How?

I don’t know why you think I’m beautiful. Or sane. Or lovely. Or anything that you think I might be. Believe me, nothing about me is right.
So, why do you stay?
I don’t know.
I honestly do not know.

But thank you for sticking with me through all of my tears, blood, bruising, stubbornness, pain, worrying. 
You’re an amazing boy just for doing all of that 

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Relationship #1

Oh heyyyy everyone who takes their relationships with their bfs/gfs for granted...

You suck! You suck big time. I love a guy who lives 6515 miles away from me. When I get to finally be with him? I’m gonna make sure he knows how much I love him and want to be with him every freaking day.

You know what guise? People get tired of being taken for granted.

One day they are gonna have had it with your BS.

They’re gonna be fed up with you ignoring them, and treating them like they’re a second thought.

They’re gonna be sick with you never taking their feelings into consideration.

They’re gonna be sick of caring about you.

They’re gonna be sick of your insincerity.

They’re gonna be sick of waiting around for you.

And guess what?

One of these days they’re not going to be there.

They’re gonna walk out of your life because they know someone out there will treat them like they’re precious.

They’re gonna stop caring about you.

They’ll stop waiting on you.

And you’re gonna be left without them.

Without someone there waiting for you.

Without someone to love you.

Without someone to care about them like they did.

And it’s all cause you neglected them. And treated them like they’re a last minute idea.

And if this has happened to you, and you’ve done this to your bf/gf...

Than you deserved it.

Don’t get mad at them if they’re out with people who treat them and love them right.

It’s all because you didn’t see what you had before they left.

Treat the person you’re with like they’re something precious.

Treat the person you’re with like you’ll never see them again.

Love them right.

Because if you don’t, someone else will.

Saturday, September 29, 2012

You will hate me for these ...

" I'm an emotional mess.
I have awful mood swings.
My hair always looks crap and weird.
My lack realization of how much other people care about me.
How dependent I am on others.
How often I feel stupid.
I'm just not that great at putting my feelings into words.
When I’m alone with my thoughts, I think of the perfect things to say. But when it comes to confrontation, pressure or the time to lay it all on the table; I get tongue tied and say the wrong things... sometimes I even say the complete opposite of what I intended.
I push people away. 
I complicate things. 
I hurt the ones I love the most. 
I cause drama for myself. 
I’m a burden to other people. 
I feel like I'm being a cry baby when I tell you my problems or that I have been through a lot.
I think too much.
I give good advice, but never know what to do.
I can never explain how I'm feeling, I just know what i feel.
I confuse everyone around me.
I dont understand things.
I'm never right.
I never know what I want.
I dont like showing my emotions.
I never make any sense.
I care too much about certain things.
I listen to other peoples minds and not mine.
I feel like everything I say is wrong, so decide not to say anything at all even when I know that I could be right.
I put a smile on my face as if I'm happy.
I bottle everything up, so when I try to vent it just sounds like im making everything up.
I actually don’t know how to avoid being clingy.
I can’t hold a grudge. I forgive too quickly.
I’m seriously such an idiot sometimes. Not even joking, I’m always scatterbrained and off in la la land. Half the time I don’t even understand what’s going on around me until hours later. I always make the dumbest mistakes and have to ask a million questions about how to do something so I don’t do it wrong, and even then sometimes I still do. Sometimes I really wonder….do I just not think? What is wrong with me?
I'm childish.
I force myself to do things. And that’s what causes stress and tears and heartbreaks. 
I really don't know how to stand up for myself. I'm a pushover.
I cry at almost any little thing that get's me upset.
I get jealous easily. "

Get close and you’ll end up getting hurt. That’s how I am. So are you still willing to LOVE me??

Friday, August 17, 2012

Mahal Kita ♥

You’ve always been the first to make me smile. I guess it’s my turn now. When I first talked to you I didn’t know it would turn out into something so big and so special. I fell for you too hard and too fast, that I didn’t know what else I was supposed to do. I realized I wanted to talk to you every second of everyday. I wanted you to be one of the most important part of my life. I wanted to be the reason you smiled. I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to make you feel like you’re the luckiest guy of them all. It’s like you’re a drug, and I’m quite addicted to you. I hope you know that even though it’s hard for me to say my feelings out loud sometimes, it’s there. It’s Strong. Sometimes I even feel like I’m drowning with it. I met someone so amazing, and sweet, and dependable, and I could go on listing every single aspect I like about you. But it still wouldn’t be enough. I’ll be here for you even if I know it’s hard, and there’s a lot of obstacles waiting for us. I chose you out of every single guy out there who claimed they would make me happy because I felt IT with you. I wanted you. I yearned for your affection. You were someone who I can truly say “he gives me butterflies”. Hearing him tell me he likes me or probably even loves me makes my heart skip a beat, and I never felt that with anyone. You made me want to fight for something special. Us. And I will always be here for you through the good times and even more during the bad. Remember that. ♥

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Let Move On

You don’t have to force yourself when you’re moving on.
If you’re sad,
be sad.
If you’re angry,
be angry.
If you want to cry,
just cry.
Let it all out. You don’t have to pretend that everything is okay. We’re humans, right? We get hurt too. It’s alright. It’s not like it’s going to be forever. You just have to believe in yourself, be strong and you can finally pick yourself up. I mean, it’s not the end of the world, isn’t it? You’re going to be fine. You’re going to heal.
You deserve better than this, trust me.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


ARGGGGHHH!!! Why why must he rack up what's the past when he was the one who say he hate racking up the history... Are promise meant to be broken? Does it??!!! I don't understand... Bie, I really don't.
I have been trying so hard ...very very hard to please everyone. I don't know what else I can do :( sob~
Since the last argument about me being close with guys ,I shut myself down and keep distance with them . Yet it still seem not enough or it is because of lack of trust ? Last time I explained myself and you replied "well since you can't change then I change for you" but this time when the case being rack up I told you the whole truth about all the stuff but you doubt me don't you.... Thanks for being truth .
This is the last to say. I feel easy with guys more than girl because I grown up with guys and they are the one who teach me what's being real and friends loyalty . Friendship and being true to other ,for me it don't depend on gender . I'll be nice to who are nice to me and be nasty to who nasty to me..Each friends have their own way to call me and I won't mind because that shows they treat me as one closest of them. But for a strangers , I always have a limit .That's me ...the real me. I hate loneliness ,it kills me ,that's the reason I have lots of bosom friends and members.

You say "I like you being real " but wait...really? stop lying to yourself ...you just accept a part of me . Sorry that I can't be the one for you ...



Saturday, July 14, 2012


Long Distant Relationships. People say

-You’ve never even met them.
-They could be cheating on you right now.
-How can you love someone that you only see on tokbox or tinychat.
-You’re not really sleeping with them, you’re sleeping on the phone with them.
-“You’ll find someone better in your distance.”

Well I think it’s cute if people can maintain a distant relationship without giving up cause people say, “they’re cheating on you.” Thats how you know it’s a real relationship, especially cause theres so much trust. To be honest, you don’t even have to see someone to love someone. If someone can make you laugh and feel butterflies through a camera, then it’s real love because that means that even through camera, phone, or i.ms, they could still love each other through all of that.

Silent Cry

hey people... how r u guys doing?? I'm doing fine right now.. I'm going to change a new working place start tomorrow morning and I hope I can be easy with it.. so today is a post about like this :

Missing someone is the toughest task

Truthfully, I really felt some kind of insecure when people who used to be so close to me leave me so far ...it's just like they will leave me forever . So sad and tears me apart. I don't care whether it's my friend or family or any of my loves one ,I just can't accept that they being so far. I wasn't being clingy or depending just my life is more colorful with them around. More happier and cheerful with them . They let me be myself when I'm with them ,that's makes me so comfortable to be with them than others.

Hubby, I missed u so much ! It had been one whole week since u departed last Saturday, I guess it's around this time on last Saturday. To be truth I don't know when I have been so weak that I almost cry few times in this whole week... even I told myself "NO ,you shouldn't be crying " ...but tear still falls ~
Yesterday , I told him some of the stories and problem I faced and he listened carefully. I miss his humour ~ Bie always make me laugh and keeps me happy. Maybe because of that I feel like missing something when  he wasn't around and or he is busy . LONELY .Even I did buried myself with lots of work but when I stopped , I just can't not to think of him . There is time I wanted to text him and ask about his condition but I could barely send the text... so afraid that I annoyed him .Well, maybe I will be used to this situation soon .
Just like what he told me yesterday " I could always keep u company if u are just beside me but in fact u are not.. It's hard to keep u company by texting when I'm doing other things"
Yes , He was right . People needs their time for their own and can't always be for us . That's the lesson I learned from the past but just get the meaning these few days.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Holding on ~

It's Monday today and it pass real slow. Gosh ! time oh time could you tick faster ?? That was my only thought since morning . Working and working ,don't I have other thing to do. I did but now I got to save some money for further study soon :) excited thinking of further study on December hihi !! Sophie keep holding on ,fight till the end . You can do it ! Gampate .... * i wish i really could ,only if he is here with me ~ sigh*

However he shared a lot of stuff about the Politeknik with me ..He undergoing Orientation week , all newbies were present .He told me there was about 1000 + newbies .[ "omg! thats quite lots of people" jakun btol laa budak ni mcm x penah tngk manusia je...haha .] I din't show my jakun to him ,only here . Well, then after he return to his house ,he do laundry and ironing clothes  . Aww~ guys do laundry ,hardly seen but my one did . jealous?? He is way better than other who depends on mama and bibik ... sikit2 "Bik, tlong basuhkn baju " "Bik, ini ...Bik tolong itu..." if not "Mama , ni , mama tu !!"  . During further study ? No way, everything must be done our self . Luckily he was trained . So I don't worry much on daily chores but his daily meal . He got to eat out everyday because no one to cook for him... sendiri plak malas masak . GERAM !! Care for your health plezzz ~ kecian tengok my hubby makan luar tiap2 hary... nnty I masakkn ea bile I pegy sane . ( thats my promise to him )

A good news for me today is I finally found a new job and would be changing working place starting on 15/7/2012 . It a relieve for me .. why ? I couldn't tell, it's secret . :)

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Another day passed

Today is the 2nd day I went on without him near by me... I spent all my time fully during work and finally finish majority of my work :) so proud. HAHA ~ while during the night we actually do some of the stock counting while chatting with each other happily ,sharing our experience and couple stuff .Girls stuff hehe . Btw, I saw his family during evening break today, that make me feel like he was still so close and just not far away . I know I 'm just halucinating and trying to comfort myself, so what as long as it help reduce my sadness .During noon I got news from him today that he already registered into the Politeknik Ungku Omar in Ipoh and actually found a place to stay. Oh that's great great news for me . Well, I really do miss him much but I just can hold it to myself. He went there to study of course for his future sake so I shouldn't be worry much . We both FIGHTING hard . It's just 4 month ! If we are destiny ,then nothing can seperate us . I guess that was what my friend told me.

Though it was lucky for me to be separated just for 4 months because some of my friend have no chance to meet their couple for half year and above. That's kinda torture . I pray that this 4 months pass smoothly without hard obstacle . AMEN. For his study too hope he success for the first semester and got flying colour during his final test. 

Anyway , this is all for today. Quite sleepy & balnk to write more so keep on reading to what would be shared tomorrow

P.S: Mr. J , I damnly missing you so much . Take Care well !


Saturday, July 7, 2012

1st day - He Left

hey people ..how's life? I missed u guys so much .. U know I have been too lazy to blog since I started to work due to "NO TIME" excuses. actually I miss blogging . So, I'm back to blog :) I'm back here just to release a bit of my thought.

      Today around 10 am I'm officially step into a far distance relationship. No, I'm still with the same sweet darling it's just he went for further study . From the second I knew he left n been traveling , how empty am I in the inside but I brave myself. Even Ipoh was far from Johor but I wonder why I still feel he is just around not far from me. Maybe it's my heart trying to persuade myself to make me feel better ~ I don't know ... however it helps a bit
U know I really do salute to those who undergoes far distance relationship knowing the hurt to miss and wait for the day to meet again . Even a day haven't past but I already feel the different. Its just 4 month , I keep reminding myself . Just 4 month .I will be going there on December that explains.
     From the journey start his text doesn't end till he is too tired and fall asleep tonight. Tired ,yes long journey of 7-8 hours are deathly tired . I smiled the whole day knowing that he arrived safely. He was so excited along the journey telling me what happen n what he saw , I felt his excitement . Of course I feel happy for him too...Just know something suddenly flash into my mind. He managed to wait for me to end my PLKN which takes 2 month and a half... with alots of obstacles . I guess for me 4 months are just too much !! How can the period of time be double for me ?! this is no fair....

    I smile too much today that suddenly teardrops rolled down my cheek during work off time. No I ain't crying ,I promise to be good so I won't cry. BIE, I REALLY MISS U ...really do miss u so much .

The song [ Jangan nakal & Tinggal kenangan]  from the shopping mall that plays with the weather are all wet today really seem understand my mood for this whole day.

missing you much,

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

PLKN SEKAKAP .... Kump 1 /siri 9 2012 sudah berakhir

Hye peeps ... its been quite a time I din't update my blog ~ because I went for PLKN ^^

before I continue anything let me explain >>>

Program Khidmat Negara  dilaksanakan bagi mencapai objektif yang telah digariskan seperti berikut:
  1. Meningkatkan semangat patriotisme di kalangan generasi muda.
  2. Memupuk perpaduan kaum serta integrasi nasional.
  3. Membentuk perwatakan positif menerusi nilai-nilai murni.
  4. Menyemarakkan semangat kesukarelaan.
  5. Melahirkan generasi muda yang lebih cergas,cerdas dan penuh keyakinan diri

    Pelatih PLKN akan menjalani latihan modul-modul yang ditetapkan oleh JLKN iaitu seperti
    • Modul Fizikal
    • Modul Kenegaraan
    • Modul Pembinaan Karakter
    • Modul Khidmat Komuniti

  1. Left above : Alpha's ,
    Right above : Bravo's
    Left Below : Charlie's < charlie !! ekkkh >
    Right below: Delta's 

    As for me , I'm lucky to be in Kompeni CHARLIE ^^ Charlie Winston ~ ekhh ... hahaha
    During the whole time training we undergoes woel & woes....Bitter & Sweet... each of the incident that happen shall be a great memory for each of us . Never easily forgotten ~

    On 16 March 2012 is a big day for wira & wirawati Kem Bina Semangat YPJ Sekakap Mersing... It was the day where all the pelatih undergoes the great passing out ceremony ...Betapa gah berdirinya wira wirawati di padang kawad Kem YPJ Sekakap ~

    Kompeni Charlie

    Upacara Penurunan Bendera KHIDMAT NEGARA & Bendera KOMPENI

    KAMI SUDAH TAMAT LATIHAN !!! Hooray ~ ^^

    Hari ini menanam jagung
    Hari esok menanam serai
    Hari ini kita berkampung
    Hari esok kita bersurai

    Dari mana hendak ke mana
    Tinggi rumput dari padi
    Tahun mana bulan mana
    Dapat kita berjumpa lagi?

    Kalau ada sumur di ladang
    Boleh saya menumpang mandi
    Kalau ada umur yang panjang
    Boleh kita berjumpa lagi
    Yesterday never returned & become a history....There is always something we can't have it twice just like PLKN .This ceremony shall be the sweetest memory for each of us for the whole lifetime :)


    To all my fellow friends , I will neverr forget u for the rest of my life :) especially CHARLIANS >.^

    Friendship is the most powerful thing of all,
    It can last forever,
    But it can break forever,
    It can bring happy memories~